Day #4, I rule at playing Tetris.

Nothing really to record today. Got breakfast before going to work. Goofed off playing tetris for a bit. After work, drove down to the Half Penny Pub to meet up with Elvis and Kate. Pretty much it for a monday.

I need to try to get some sort of video editing software soon. I'd like to experiment with something like that. Tomorrow Elvis and i are going to be recording a podcast so i'll show the behind the scene of our show.

Day#3, Typical Sunday going to work.

Happy new year! Day #1 and Day #2 Ryan says Hello

Happy New Year! 2011, a new start. I'm going to start a new project here. I decided to record something about myself everyday for a year. I want to see what can happen within a year and how it looks through my cameras eye. A little social experiment, and hopefully i can learn something from it.

Here is a little get together at my friends Mike and Jess's place:





This afternoon. my Brother brought over my baby nephew for a visit. Here he is with my mom:

I'm not very happy today and i have to go Christmas shopping.So i am making a sad mix to help block out people today and any other stupid and annoying happy sounds of the holiday season. This is the first song of said mix. I'm sure to put, "Pictures of you" by The Cure as well because I'm that pathetic today.

Maybe i'll bring a flask with me filled with Whiskey?

I got dumped the other day. It was a total and complete surprise on my part. I didn’t see it coming and the initial shock of it all is still reverberating throughout my system. 

She doesn’t love me anymore.

           

It is as simple and complex as that. As fast as we started becoming a couple, it just ended the same way.            I’m pretty down about the whole situation. I mean, we weren’t fighting or having any problems.  Not like I wanted to have them, its just I thought we were both happy.  I’m still very much in love with her and to hear that she doesn’t feel the same way really felt like a sucker punch to the chest. Was I just blind to see any particular signs of her having any problems regarding our relationship? Did I do something recently that changed her feelings towards me?

She did say that she was thinking it over the last few days before the actual break up. The more I think about the reasons why and try to retrace the previous week, what it really comes down to is the simple truth of this:

She doesn’t love ME anymore

It must have been hard or rather I would like to believe it was a hard decision to end the relationship. I don’t hate her for what she wanted. I’m not angry with her. I’m just really sad of how it just ended like that.

ONE MONTH LATER:

I wrote above a month ago. I still feel like shit. I keep myself busy and I go off on little adventures just to feel like I’m not wasting any time wallowing with self-pity

I still miss her terribly, and I wonder about how she feels about the whole situation.

I don’t feel like writing in this shit anymore.

TWO MONTHS LATER:

I still feel like absolute garbage. I know I shouldn’t feel that it wasn’t my fault and that the time we had was all we had, but I feel like I could of tried harder or be a better boyfriend.

I just wished I had more time with us being US.

I’m still in love with her. It didn’t go away, it didn’t change, and yet I know it had to end. I can’t call her because it wouldn’t be fair to either of us if I can’t see/talk to her on a platonic level. I want to move on and I also miss her so fucking much. 

So I have that going on for me. And today is her Birthday. 

I'm done.

Lola

Its about 1am right now. I'm at the hospice where my grandmother is at. She's been heavily sedated and unconscious since this morning visit.

  Right now my brother and my uncle are at both ends of the bed side holding her hand and sleeping. My cousin is at the adjacent sofa passed out as well. I just left work and headed over here.

  I'm hurting all over knowing her time left here is pretty much at its last stretch. I've been having spurts of crying fits all day and its getting difficult trying to keep my composure.
She was diagnosed with cancer in the kidneys and another tumor was found pushing up against her lungs that was making it difficult to breathe. At her age of 82 surgery was an option she just didn't want.

  That was June.

  Since then she has been in and out of the hospital, her room at her house was converted into a facility that housed all the necessary equipment to help her breathe. With each passing day it pretty much ranged from okay to really bad. There have been family members with her at all times, just pretty much comforting her as much as anybody can.

  More family from all over have been coming in to say hello and just telling and showing the love. Its all been very touching to see that gesture from many people.

  Knowing that she has made an imprint on so many people lives makes me very happy.
Being here, watching her go through this time and feeling helpless has been really difficult.
I'm not ready to let her go, but its even harder to see her suffer.

  All I can do right now is sort out this whole process by writing this before I loose it again.
I remember feeling this way when my father passed. I was just a kid then and it wasn't fair. I wasn't finished having a father.

  I remember watching Lola and my mom both hurting and crying at my dads wake, that was really rough. I couldn't handle it then and it was even more difficult to express what I was feeling.
I've learned to not to sweat to small stuff and to really enjoy the time you have, because its never enough and it goes by fast.

  To really cherish the people around you and to express the joy they bring into your lives anyway you can. Sometimes just the smallest gesture is more then enough.
I also learned that we all make lasting imprints on so many people that we never really realize.

And whiskey. Drink it. It helps.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Harvey Pekar Talks about Coventry

I just found out that Harvey Pekar died yesterday. I took him for granted when it comes to comics. I just went about it that he was going to be doing his thing for a long time within the comic scene, and he has, its just I thought he would be doing it longer. I havent read allot of his stuff beyond a few stories in ,"american Splendor" but I always did admired what he did. With Vertigo printing out his work now, I hope he will be able to reach a new generation of comic readers.

R.I.P you grumpy old goat. Thanks for the stories.