Lola

Its about 1am right now. I'm at the hospice where my grandmother is at. She's been heavily sedated and unconscious since this morning visit.

  Right now my brother and my uncle are at both ends of the bed side holding her hand and sleeping. My cousin is at the adjacent sofa passed out as well. I just left work and headed over here.

  I'm hurting all over knowing her time left here is pretty much at its last stretch. I've been having spurts of crying fits all day and its getting difficult trying to keep my composure.
She was diagnosed with cancer in the kidneys and another tumor was found pushing up against her lungs that was making it difficult to breathe. At her age of 82 surgery was an option she just didn't want.

  That was June.

  Since then she has been in and out of the hospital, her room at her house was converted into a facility that housed all the necessary equipment to help her breathe. With each passing day it pretty much ranged from okay to really bad. There have been family members with her at all times, just pretty much comforting her as much as anybody can.

  More family from all over have been coming in to say hello and just telling and showing the love. Its all been very touching to see that gesture from many people.

  Knowing that she has made an imprint on so many people lives makes me very happy.
Being here, watching her go through this time and feeling helpless has been really difficult.
I'm not ready to let her go, but its even harder to see her suffer.

  All I can do right now is sort out this whole process by writing this before I loose it again.
I remember feeling this way when my father passed. I was just a kid then and it wasn't fair. I wasn't finished having a father.

  I remember watching Lola and my mom both hurting and crying at my dads wake, that was really rough. I couldn't handle it then and it was even more difficult to express what I was feeling.
I've learned to not to sweat to small stuff and to really enjoy the time you have, because its never enough and it goes by fast.

  To really cherish the people around you and to express the joy they bring into your lives anyway you can. Sometimes just the smallest gesture is more then enough.
I also learned that we all make lasting imprints on so many people that we never really realize.

And whiskey. Drink it. It helps.
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